What to send instead of funeral flowers
Flowers say the right thing and then, about a week later, they are gone. If the family has asked for no flowers, or the house is already full of them, send something they can keep, something they can eat, or something that takes a job off their hands.
Why people send something else
Three reasons, usually. The family asked for donations instead. The house already has more arrangements than vases. Or the sender wants to leave something behind that is still there in March.
None of these means flowers were wrong. They mean the first week is covered and the months after it are not.
Something they can keep
- A memorial lantern that holds a photograph of the person who died, so there is something to light in the evening rather than something to throw out.
- A memory book the family writes in over time: their life story, the things they used to say, photographs, recordings of their voice.
- A framed photograph from your side of their life, which the family may never have seen.
- A tree or a perennial for the garden, if they are the sort of household that would look after it. This is flowers that do not end.
Something they can use this week
- A meal delivered on a named day, or a grocery order. Cooking is the first thing to go.
- A cleaner for an afternoon before the relatives arrive.
- Stamps, envelopes and an offer to help with the thank-you notes.
- One specific job, named by you: the airport run, the dog, the Tuesday school pickup.
Name the thing and the day. “Let me know if you need anything” asks an exhausted person to invent a job for you.
What “in lieu of flowers” means
It is the family asking you to give the money to a cause instead, usually one named in the notice — a hospice, a hospital ward, a charity connected to the illness. Follow it. Give to the named cause, and send a card saying you have, so the family knows the gift came from you.
It is not a request to send nothing. A card, a meal, or a keepsake sent a few weeks later sits comfortably alongside a donation, and most families are glad of both.
When flowers are still right
If the notice asks for flowers, send them. If you are attending the service, flowers there are part of the day. And if you knew the person well enough to know what they grew in their garden, flowers chosen for that reason are not a default — they are a message.
What to write
Short. Their name, and one true thing.
No flowers, as you asked — I’ve given to the hospice instead. I’m so sorry about your mum.
I know you’ve got a houseful this week, so this is for later. There’s no need to reply.
A lantern, and a book to go with it
STILLWIND memorial lanterns hold a 4×6 photograph behind the glass, have a velvet-lined drawer for small things, and a flameless candle with a remote. They arrive gift-boxed with a sympathy card, so you can send one straight to the family. Every lantern comes with the free Still With Me Starter Book; the Unlimited Book on its own is $39, paid once.
Questions
Is it rude to send something other than flowers?
No. Unless the notice specifically asks for flowers, anything sent with care is welcome. Families routinely receive more arrangements than they have room for in the first week and nothing at all by the second month.
What does “in lieu of flowers” mean?
The family would rather you gave to a named cause than bought flowers. Give to that cause, and send a card telling them you did, so your name is attached to it.
Can I send a gift weeks after the funeral?
Yes, and it often lands better then. The cards stop arriving about two weeks in, which is roughly when the shock wears off and the quiet starts.
What if I don’t know the family well?
Keep it simple and unburdensome: a card, a donation, or something small that needs no reply and no thank-you note.